Monday 27 July 2009

Long Day

So today I wasted the entire day pretty much. Well not wasted per say. If I look at it from the educational point of view, I totally and completely wasted time. But if I look at it from the essential-retail-therapy point of view (which I would much rather), I exceeded expectation. Mum and I shopped till we dropped at Marina Square. We went out with the initial aim of buying a nice dress for me and to ‘browse around’ and we ended up not only with a nice dress, but 3 of them from Topshop, a big extremely colourfully printed Desigual shoulder bag, a skirt, three-quarters and a top from Topshop (again), ballet flats from Benetton (don’t know why I bought anything there) and a purple cardigan from Massimo Dutti. It was like an entire day of school minus the stress and the truckload of work.
But getting home at 8pm brought me back to the harsh reality that I had 7 biology lab reports to finish, English work, History work, math portfolio and homework ANDDD poetry analysis for TOK – which is also the reason I am still awake at 1.30 in the morning!!! 4 lab reports down, English to go. After that I doubt my body will be able to take it.

Hello eyebags, angry teachers and fucking annoying class.

xx,
Papsicles

because oxygen is a drug
01:31

Sunday 19 July 2009

How to die young, and slowly...

Birthday party's at home. Booyah!

xx

Pappy

because oxygen is a drug
01:47

Thursday 16 July 2009

How do I tell you?

How do I tell you what you already know
How do I tell you what plagues me so

I stand here feebly with an arrow and bow
I stand here not very sure of where to go

The guilt I feel knots my heart, leaves me low
The guilt I feel I simply cannot show

Nothing but a miracle can cure me that I know
Nothing but you and your love in tow

But suddenly I seem to know where to go
A new found strength overcomes me so
I pick up and ready my arrow and bow
And shoot it at you, at you my foe.

(The funniest and most childish thing I've ever written - and true enough I wrote it years ago and posted it after finding it on a thumbdrive. I wonder why I posted it. I am possibly in a silly mood. Or I am overcome with emo-ism and the like)

because oxygen is a drug
22:10

Tuesday 14 July 2009

So much in hate with myself

I hate everything and everyone and the more I try and avoid doing things or saying things I just do them and say them and that too void of any emotion. I would commit a heinous crime like Mr. Freeman did without ever showing my remorse. Then I would mask all my emotion behind the veneer of my imagination by escaping into the realm of books. I need a Daddy Clidell who will love and understand me, even if you happen to be non-male. I hate males. All of them can burn alive. I will soon commit arson, oh yes.

Yes IOP does get to you. But so do a lot of fucking other things.

Well I'm all ready for the most miserable 18th birthday EVER!

Eddie Vedder (my one true and most faithful and lasting love) - Long Nights

Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off than I was before

I've got this light
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall

Long nights allow me to feel...
I'm falling...I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground
Ah...

I'll take this soul that's inside me now
Like a brand new friend
I'll forever know

I've got this light
And the will to show
I will always be better than before

Long nights allow me to feel...
I'm falling...I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground

because oxygen is a drug
20:34

Thursday 9 July 2009

Passion burning, heart is yearning!

I have never wanted him so badly.

I want to lure him to my room and kiss him all over the face. I have never been more direct or open in my life. AHHH Nikki has termed my condition ''withdrawal symptoms from not having him''.

I need a daily dose of you. Nearing death.

because oxygen is a drug
21:41

Monday 6 July 2009

Lost? Maybe so. Maybe not.

I don't know if I really should continue striving and trying. I've already lost everything worth achieving. I have nothing to look forward to.

I am, however, going to be focussed on my studies. But if these 2 months don't help then I can kiss my UK dreams goodbye. Maybe I should get prepared for the big slap-in-the-face now.

I'm sorry to everyone who I seem to have upset so greatly that all respect you all had of me previously has waned.

Everything that once was is no more and never will be but I guess I'm having problems accepting myself before everything else - *insert dramatic reaction/hand gestures here*

I cannot understand the change in me and I feel like a soul trapped in a body that tells me to do things I don't want to do and to feel things I don't want to feel. I feel more contempt for myself over and above what I could possibly feel for any other individual.

Whatever. I am not crying out for pity or for someone to hold me in their arms, because I know even my parents won't do that to me. I don't care about the advice you have to give me because I think I pretty much say the same stuff to myself and all you do is reiterate (reference to anyone and everyone who repeats what I say I should do).

What are human relationships anyway? People always end up leaving you alone. Nobody is going to love you or be there for you till the end because everyone is out to live for himself or herself and I must learn to fend for myself likewise. Love is a short-lived thing. Marriage is a farce. I immensely like how I can find such release in books and in the characters that I wish I could be or whose lives I wish I was leading instead of this one. I sound ungrateful and unappreciative but there isn't a single person who will disagree with me when I say "The grass is always greener on the other side".

So you may hate me or find me randomly 'Emo' for writing this, whoever reads this, but really, I am just declaring my acceptance of things. No decent filial Indian son is going to marry me anyway and that is another part of the whole acceptance thing that I will learn to live with. Hence I can safely say that being born a hybrid Indian (I will now quote Maya Angelou) {"is an unnecessary insult"}.

OH and TOK is a bitch

Peace,

Maya

because oxygen is a drug
20:31

Saturday 4 July 2009

Into The Wild

Forgot to mention what an incredible movie 'Into The Wild' was, complemented with the great Eddie Vedder-filled soundtrack. I love you Christopher John McCandless, may your fierce and unique spirit live on.

Yes I can love someone like that, especially since he wasn't like any of us materialistic human beings, and because he has passed on.

So much respect for you! <3

I've got volunteer work for AIDS victims at CDC later on at 2pm. I hope I don't get swineflu or whatever, since I get sick so easily. I'm glad I'm doing something noble, for a change.

because oxygen is a drug
01:09

Friday 3 July 2009

An Epiphany?

I say this, with no particular emotion, but rather as a sort of declaration that....

I HAVE LOST ALL ABILITY TO LOVE.

And I mean everything, anything. I cannot say I truly love until I can truly appreciate. Until I can be fully mutual about something, I can't love it.
I don't love nature's beauty, or dogs, or my parents, or my friends.

Sure I like you/them all a great great deal but I simply do not love, neither do I crave (Or do I? Maybe I'm just becoming a slut, since I already know I'm a bitch - hahaha I know a sad fucker who'll read this and find it so amusing because I sound so pathetic saying this). And no it isn't a little burst of emotion that has driven me to write this but more of a sudden realisation after living in a densely padded box of confusion for two whole months.

And even if somehow or some way, by some 'miracle of miracles', if there is some 'love' left in me, I certainly never will love like I used to ever again.

I have termed my condition 'Denial Depression' - which I have possibly been suffering from for half a year now. Hahaha.

On another random note, I have a fuckload of work to finish and no creative juices are flowing through my rusty brain.

Oh how I wish
Yuletide'll come
with winter in tow
to sweep me up
and take me away
to the faraway lands of Tokyo
or to where the gypsies
move to and fro
in their beat-up hippie
trailerparks
or to the land of the english,
to 'Marks and Sparks'
where i'll shop till i drop
and i'll never be back
cuz i fear this feeling'll
never stop.

because oxygen is a drug
23:57

Wednesday 1 July 2009

Love

I know what it is and I've felt it and have loved as strongly as the feeling gets. I am afraid though, that I won't be able to love like that ever again.

But nonetheless, I shall continue to cherish.

As the days pass,
dismal and gray as they are,
that one thing I try avoiding
addles my brain no end,
my byzantine mind and black heart
have made me bring this upon myself,
that I DO know,
But somehow though all else
is void of meaning and although I am 'free' of feeling,
With no regret but a little grief I can say,
I still see you in everything that's me

because oxygen is a drug
12:11