An Epiphany?
I say this, with no particular emotion, but rather as a sort of declaration that....
I HAVE LOST ALL ABILITY TO LOVE.
And I mean everything, anything. I cannot say I truly love until I can truly appreciate. Until I can be fully mutual about something, I can't love it.
I don't love nature's beauty, or dogs, or my parents, or my friends.
Sure I like you/them all a great great deal but I simply do not love, neither do I crave (Or do I? Maybe I'm just becoming a slut, since I already know I'm a bitch - hahaha I know a sad fucker who'll read this and find it so amusing because I sound so pathetic saying this). And no it isn't a little burst of emotion that has driven me to write this but more of a sudden realisation after living in a densely padded box of confusion for two whole months.
And even if somehow or some way, by some 'miracle of miracles', if there is some 'love' left in me, I certainly never will love like I used to ever again.
I have termed my condition 'Denial Depression' - which I have possibly been suffering from for half a year now. Hahaha.
On another random note, I have a fuckload of work to finish and no creative juices are flowing through my rusty brain.
Oh how I wish
Yuletide'll come
with winter in tow
to sweep me up
and take me away
to the faraway lands of Tokyo
or to where the gypsies
move to and fro
in their beat-up hippie
trailerparks
or to the land of the english,
to 'Marks and Sparks'
where i'll shop till i drop
and i'll never be back
cuz i fear this feeling'll
never stop.
Maya